The circus strikes again

I can't sleep again.  The worry circus has started up, full stop.  I find myself constantly worrying about things that are beyond my control.  During the day, I can keep these thoughts at bay with reason and logic, but at night, that's a different situation.  At night, I'm resting peacefully in bed, snuggled next to a sprawled out baby, when I hear the sounds of the ominous stomping and trumpeting of elephants.

The circus is close by.

I try to brush it off, I'm sure tonight they will pass by me, I am almost asleep, I don't think they'll even notice me.

I can smell the sickly sweet cotton candy and oily popcorn.  So close to sleep, so close.

It is too late.  By the time I turn over to try and hide, shove the pillow over my face, the clowns are already right in front of me, leering and cackling.

You are too old to go back to school!  
The MS will take your ability to walk and think, leaving you useless and unable to do anything!
You are fat and will always be that way!




...and now I'm awake, writing in my blog bog, hoping that this will help me let go by hopefully connecting to others who know what I mean.
Despite the horrible things my mind likes to tell me, I try to look at it with a different perspective.  If it is only at night that these clowns tell me these awful things, when I'm tired and defenseless, than these clowns must be bullies.  How does one defeat bullies?  Laugh it off?  Ignore them?  Cower?
Sure.  I could do those, if they weren't inside my head it'd be easier, but yes, I could do those.  I choose a different route, though.  I choose to understand why they do what they do.
Why does my brain clowns tell me these things?  Well, they're partially true.  I am older, and eventually going back to school.  No one is ever too old to learn.
My MS is unknown territory.  I am fine today, but it is uncertain of tomorrow.  But isn't that how most of life is?  We are never certain of what will happen to any of us in the future, and THAT'S OKAY!  I don't like to think that I will be completely paralyzed, or unable to think, but that is highly unlikely to happen, and the medical community has come a long way.  I have faith that I will be able to overcome it.  They still don't know why MS even happens, so much is a mystery about it.  Why treat it like it is a death sentence?  I can't do that, not anymore.  Life is too cool to make it into a drudgery.
As for the last comment, I am fat.  I am larger than I would like to be.  I also try to be as healthy as possible, not just because of my health problems, but because I would like to set an example for my little boy.  I am active as I can be for the moment, and that is good enough.  Being fat does not mean I have to be afraid of being happy.
Besides my brain clowns being bullies, what use is it to have these thoughts at night?  Nothing good happens late at night, just dreams and nightmares.  In fact, these are exactly like nightmares.
Oh.  An epiphany.
When I have nightmares, I usually tell someone about it, then usually laugh about how silly it is now that I've said it out loud, and go on with my life.  These need to be treated the same way.

I just found out about this NaBloPoMo writing prompt activity for bloggers, so I feel like I've arrived terribly late for this event.  Hopefully there are events like these every month, because I know I need more practice writing in blog format (Hell, in any format).

Question: Would you ever go bungee jumping?

My first gut reaction response is Of course! but in reality, I think I'd hedge a little (alright, a lot), before actually doing it.  I used to really love adrenaline rushes, but after having my son, I've become a bit of a hermit crab.  I get nervous about things that I never really felt funny about before.  So, would I want to bungee jump?  Sure.  Would I actually?  Yes, after lots of breathing, checking the durability of the cords and equipment several times, and then looking up on my phone the safety of the equipment that is being used.  But, I'm sure everyone does that, right?  No one just jumps off a tall surface attached to a cord around them without checking into the company that makes the items, right?  Either that, or my husband would just push me off after my hyperventilating started to fog up my eye protection gear.

I've come to a realization that a lot of my life is based in fantasy.  I think about my future, a lot, and what I want to do with it, and how I want to get to where I want to go.  I think about it enough that I even get stressed out and anxious about how fast I'm getting there, and whether or not I'm making the right decisions about how to get from A to B.  But, I don't do as much as I think about doing things.  I want to be an osteopath.  Badly.  I want to be able to go back to school, nicely, and get back into the groove of things since I had to quit school while I was pregnant (I had a relatively complex pregnancy), and have yet to get back into school.  I want to get my garden back in shape, and start growing seasonal vegetables and herbs.  I want to start my knitting and sewing projects piled up in my queue.  I know I'm hard on myself, it isn't easy taking care of a baby, or taking care of my own health issues.  I sometimes think that I can be superman, that I can do everything all at once.  I get mad at myself when I don't accomplish as much as I believe I should during a day.  I lay in bed at night, wondering what I could have done differently, cursing so-called bad decisions I made, or wishing I had done better.  I can't imagine if I said any of what I say in my head out loud to my husband, what he'd say.  I'm sure it would be something along the lines of:

    Why are you worried about something so minimal?  It's okay!   

And  I know he's right, in my heart.  But it appears my brain likes to go in circus mode, spinning round and round the negativity throughout the day, until I'm so exhausted I finally fall asleep. 

Why do I do this to myself?  It isn't that I'm not doing things.  I do plenty of things.  I take care of my incredible and high needs baby.  I do domestic things around the house (cooking, cleaning, laundry).  I do have several plants in pots outside that I tend to.  I have started one knitting project.  I keep up to date with my family in So-Cal and in Texas.  I have been working on writing again, hence this blog.  I mean, I really am doing things.  Why is it so hard to convince myself it is enough?  

Today I decide that, yes, it is enough.  I am not on some sort of life schedule that I have to have anything done at a certain time at a certain date or I'm not worthy.  I get things done when I can, and it is okay if its not exactly when I want it to be done.  Everything is exactly how it should be.  

My life doesn't have to be based on fantasy, and really, it isn't.  It is hard to see the pieces fitting together when you look at something through a microscope.  But assuredly, the pieces, even if they look insignificant, will all equal into a beautiful picture, much grander than anyone could ever imagine.  I need to trust that it will always work out, because it always does in the end.

So, a little about me, I love make-up.  I have always enjoyed it, even as a little girl, partly because of my mother, who wore a lot, for any event, any time of the day.  The other part is that I love/loved the punk and goth aesthetic.  That being said, I positively adore MAC make-up.  Their eye shadows have amazing pigments, and apply like a dream, with every shade of the rainbow plus some.  This being said, Free Makeup & Beauty Samples is having a giveaway right now for a MAC eye shadow and mascara of your choice!  Check them out, and subscribe to their awesome blog for giveaways, links to loads of samples of cosmetics, plus more!  I can never turn down a good giveaway, personally, can you?

This is crazy, but I think I would like to start writing again.  I haven't really written in over 4 years, and I feel it is definitely time to get back into the swing of it all.  I have yet to figure out what my blog name should be, but I am thinking my comic book idea that I came up with a long time ago would really suit me now:  Terra Vintage.  Although, I know that I have to add "mama" to it, since I am now 90 percent "mama" and 10 percent everything else.  Terrafirma Vintage Mama.  It has a good ring to it, even though I see a red squiggly line underneath the "terrafirma."  Oh well.  Anyway, I figure I can bounce around on here, writing about my adventures as a mama to a very demanding little guy, or perhaps my cooking and being healthy misadventures.  Either way, maybe it will be cathartic somehow, and I can start writing my graphic novel again.  We shall see.